


The Gayest Season

by idinathoreau



Category: Zoey's Extraordinary Playlist (TV)
Genre: Christmas fic, Coming Out, F/F, Fluff and Humor, M/M, Mo isn't here cause he'd make everyone see sense too easily, but with like none of the original plot points, cause he would, everyone is chaotic and gay disasters and the holidays just make it all worse, starring Tobin as Zoey's gay best friend, very loosely based on The Happiest Season, well an attempt at humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-22
Updated: 2021-01-24
Packaged: 2021-03-10 18:21:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,734
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28231590
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/idinathoreau/pseuds/idinathoreau
Summary: Zoey takes Joan home for Christmas.Hijinks ensue.VERY loosely based on the Happiest Season. But other than the coming out angle, nothing else from that is really used.
Relationships: Tobin Batra/Leif Donnelly, Zoey Clarke/Joan
Comments: 9
Kudos: 43





	1. The perfect Christmas

Life was funny sometimes. 

It had all started when Zoey had agreed to help Joan get back into the dating scene. She’d offered her services as “the ultimate wing-woman” to the reluctant divorcee. She was to act as Joan’s eyes and ears in bars, clubs, and restaurants, and point out middle-aged guys who seemed interested in Joan. 

But as Joan quickly learned, Zoey was a terrible wing-woman.

Three disastrous club-hopping nights later, in which Zoey had all but head-butted a guy for a perceived insult he threw at Joan, they’d ended up drunkenly making out behind Petey’s Pub House at 2 in the morning. 

“Four o’clock…” Zoey had mumbled, as Joan nibbled her lip. “Guys checking us out…”

“Zoey…that’s seven o’clock.” Joan had grumbled, not even looking before diving back in for another kiss. She flipped off the staring guys.

After that night, they dropped the pretense of being wing-women. By the end of their first official date, Joan was making Zoey scream her name repeatedly, all thoughts of men gone.

Now, two months later, Zoey had never been happier. 

“What are your thoughts for the holidays?” She asked, feet in Joan’s lap as they lounged on Joan’s couch. In her lap, Hermes squirmed under her gentle scratching, yipping in delight. 

“Not much.” Joan replied, “order in some fancy shit, get tipsy, watch cheesy nostalgic Christmas movies…”

“ _Die Hard_.” Zoey supplied, earning her a nod. 

“…and then the day of, exchange gifts, get drunk, and spend the day making sweet, festive love to each other…”

Zoey grinned, lifting one leg to loop behind Joan’s head. “I love it…”

Joan was just starting to shift, Hermes taking the opportunity to wriggle free when Zoey’s phone rang. 

“Shit!” Zoey snatched it up and leapt off of the couch, kicking Joan in the head so hard the older woman briefly saw stars. “Hi…mom…”

Joan heard pieces of the conversation as she slowly regained her full mental faculties: “a week?…sure!…uhmmmm….can I bring someone…?…uhhhhhh, no….no…okay….love you…”

“Love you too…” Joan murmured. 

Zoey hung up and turned to face her. “So…ummmm.” She grinned sheepishly at a still-slightly-dopey Joan. “Any chance I can convince you to change our perfect holiday plans?”


	2. A Festivus for the Rest of Us

Two days later, Joan stared as they drove their rental car up to an enormous house straight out of a fucking Hallmark movie.

“You weren’t kidding…”

Zoey grimaced. “My parents are…kind of famous in the landscape architecture business.” She steered them along the snowy path towards a wrought-iron gate. “They keep retiring and then un-retiring when the right project comes along.”

The car rolled to a stop in front of the stairs and Joan was mildly surprised that no butler came out to meet them. 

“Uh Joan…” She turned to Zoey as the younger woman put a hand on her arm, “before…before we go in…”

“What?” She smirked, “going to tell me not to look through the family photo albums? Cause that is where I’m heading first…”

“Uhhh…no.” Zoey fidgeted and for once, looked embarrassed. “I uh…I need to tell you…they uh…”

Joan sighed. “Zoey…did you not tell them we’re dating…?”

“No…No I uh…” Zoey brushed her hair back, now unable to look at Joan. “They don’t know I’m gay!” She blurted. 

Joan blinked. “What?” Sweet, perfect little _so-obviously-bi-everyone-at-the-office-had-instantly-clocked-it_ Zoey wasn’t out?

Zoey looked ashamed at her reaction. “They just…I never…” She looked away. “I’ve never brought a girl home before so I never…never came out to them and…I just…” She shrugged. “My mom kind of sprung this on me and I wanted you to come but…” She glanced up at Joan, voice trailing off.

“So…you want me to lie.” 

“Is that terrible?”

Joan patted her hand. “Zoey…when you come out is your choice. And although I question the decision to bring your partner home before telling them, it is your choice how you want to do things.”

“G…great.” Zoey’s smile came back. “Thank you.”

Joan nodded. “No problem.”

“Just…just let me do the talking.” Zoey insisted as they stepped out of the car. “I got this.”

“Sure.”

But the second the door opened and two middle-aged, smiling folks swarmed down the steps to wrap Zoey in a huge hug, Joan watched in amusement as her partner deflated like a popped bike tire. 

“And who is your friend?” Zoey’s dad, Mitch finally asked, fixing Joan with a beaming smile that instantly put her on edge.

Zoey choked. “Uuuhhhhh…This is…Joan…my…boss…”

Joan glanced at her in disbelief. “Joan Bennett, acting CEO of _SPRQ Point._ ” She introduced herself, offering her hand. 

Mitch worked her hand like it was a water pump. “Boss?” Mitch raised an eyebrow. “You pulling a _Seinfeld_ on me, Zoey?” He winked at Joan. “I’m afraid the Festivus Pole is out of commission this year! So you’ll have to settle for some good old-fashioned boring pseudo-Catholic traditions.”

“Uhh…sure…okay.”

“You are more than welcome, Joan!” Zoey’s mom, Maggie insisted. Then to Joan’s horror, Maggie swooped in and hugged her tightly. “We’re glad to see Zoey brought a friend this year! She hasn’t brought anyone home for Christmas since Max…” Before Joan could fully recover, Maggie was pulling their luggage from the car and ushering them in out of the snow.

“Only one bag for the two of you?” She questioned.

Zoey glanced at Joan, eyes wide. In their flurry of packing, they’d decided to just shove all their things in Joan’s largest bag to make flying easier. 

“Uhhh…”

“Zoey said she wouldn’t need anything…” Joan cut in. “Since she was traveling home…”

Zoey nodded. “Yeah; why pay baggage fees on something already at your destination!” 

They both laughed. 

“Okay…” Mitch reached for the bag. “I’ll just put this down in the guest room for you Joan.”

“The guest room?” Zoey questioned, making her parents both pause. 

“Of course,” Maggie said, giving Joan another smile. “Where else would we put her?”

Zoey fidgeted. “I thought…Joan and I could just share my room? We’ve got an air mattress!”

Mitch and Maggie exchanged a glance and burst out laughing. “Don’t be ridiculous, Zoey.” Mitch told her. “We have the space; Joan can take the guest room!” He gestured her forward. “Come on, Kroger, the feats of strength come later.”

Joan wandered away with Mitch, wondering just what the hell she was getting herself into.

* * *

“You what?”

Zoey winced. “I told them I was bringing my boss to Christmas…”

On the other end of the phone, Tobin scoffed. “And they bought that without explanation? They don’t know you two are together?”

Zoey tucked her feet under the pillow of her childhood bed, the one covered in chemical elements sheets. “They don’t know I’m gay…” She admitted.

Tobin made a noise like a teapot boiling over. “Have they ever _met_ you?” Tobin declared, “Zoey, you’re like the most bi-sexual person I know…and they way you and Joan look at each other…” He whistled, “jeez, are your parents blind?”

“Tobin…” She’d only called to check in on how their latest project was going but somehow, the talkative programmer had roped her into discussing her current family drama. 

“Right, well, I need to see this.” Tobin was saying.

“What?”

“There’s no way your parents can be _this_ oblivious!” Tobin insisted. “I need to see for myself!”

Terrified at what he could possibly mean by that, Zoey backpedaled. “Tobin! I will tell you all the details once we get back! Okay? Just keep your boyfriend busy and try not to think about me being closeted up here.”

“But Zoey, life outside the closet is so much better!” Tobin insisted. “You just need to step out and…”

“Goodbye, Tobin.” She hung up, already regretting letting Tobin in on any of this.


	3. Deck the halls

“So this is the famous Joan?” Zoey emerged from her bedroom to find that David and Emily had arrived. Her brother was shaking hands with her boss. “Zoey’s talked about you a lot!”

“She says you’re a slave-driver.” Emily continued that unsettling, blunt way that she had. “A real hard-ass.”

Zoey tripped over her line of tinsel, arms pinwheeling momentarily before Joan snagged her and lifted her back up in a practiced motion. 

“Well, she’s not wrong.” Joan continued, subtly squeezing Zoey’s arm as she let go. “I’m known for striking fear into many a man’s heart.”

Mitch sidled into the room. “Well, enough discussion of crushing the frail male ego; everyone grab a streamer and get to work!”

Decorating the Clarke house was a time-honored tradition rife with antics. 

One year, Zoey had conspired to trap David in a web-like hanging of tinsel. It had led to years of rivalry during visits home from college. 

“The Plaza in downtown San Francisco is lovely! I went there on a date last week.” Zoey commented to Emily as she strung tinsel up in a complicated pattern.

Maggie’s ears perked up at her casual comment. “I thought you weren’t dating anyone right now?”

“Uhhh…” Zoey and Joan exchanged a look, Joan’s eyebrows raising. “Right…” Zoey fumbled, “uhh, the thing is…ummm. I…I was going to tell you about my…my…boyfriend…” She squirmed, disappointment curling in her stomach at the cowardly lie.

Joan looked away, picking at her tinsel with an unreadable expression.

“So why didn’t you bring him?” Maggie asked.

“Uh…” Zoey gestured, “Well…I brought Joan…”

“Zoey, we could have handled another guest.” Maggie examined her. “Why would you bring Joan over your boyfriend?”

It suddenly felt like every eye was on her. “Uhhhhhh…”

The doorbell rang into the silence and Zoey leapt at the distraction. 

“I got it!”

“I’ll come with you!” Joan insisted, following her out. 

Once they were alone in the hall, Zoey sighed heavily. “I’m sorry…I’m sorry…”

“Zoey, this is getting ridiculous.” Joan shook her head. “You know I support you but I’m starting to worry that this isn’t healthy.”

“I know just…give me a little more time?” She pulled open the door. “Can we help…Tobin?”

“Z-money!” Standing on her parent’s doorstep, dressed in tight red pants and an oversized hoodie was indeed one Tobin Batra. “Wazzup?! Your coming out brigade is here!”

“What…how the hell are you here?” Zoey asked, still blinking in confusion. 

“Relax!” Tobin sauntered past her and into the hall. “I hacked Joan’s credit card to get us tickets.”

Joan glared as he entered her line of vision. “You what.”

“Us?” Zoey muttered.

“J…Joan!” Tobin straightened instantly. “Don’t worry, already reported it to the fraud hotline, trip wont cost you a thing!”

“Us?” Zoey repeated, slightly louder.

“Who is it Zoey?” All of them flinched as Maggie rounded the corner.

“Be cool!” Zoey hissed at Tobin. 

“Ah!” Maggie gave Tobin a beaming smile. “You must be Zoey’s boyfriend!”

All three of them stared until Zoey finally elbowed Tobin in the ribs.

He coughed. “Yes…I am…Tobin! The uh….the…boyfriend…of Zoey.” He offered Maggie a guilty smile. “She is the…the jalapenos to my nachos!”

Joan and Zoey both rolled their eyes, practically sighing in unison. 

Thankfully, Maggie seemed to find it hilarious. “Well, aren’t you sweet, how did you two meet?” 

“Work” Zoey replied at the time instant Tobin insisted “Hot Dog eating contest.”

Joan was shaking her head, hand over her mouth as she tried desperately not to laugh. 

“Okay,” Maggie said. “Well, you’re welcome to spend the night, Tobin…where is your bag?”

“Hey dude, what did you pack in this thing?”

Leif Donnelly, wearing an abomination of a Christmas sweater and holding two massive bags was quite suddenly blocking the doorway. He was greeted by multiple confused faces. 

Zoey turned back to Tobin, eye twitching. “You…brought…Leif.”

“Zoey?” Maggie turned back to her. “More friends?”

“No.” Zoey and Leif replied instantly.

“Ooh boy…” Joan muttered. She raised an eyebrow at Zoey, wondering just how much more complicated this could get. 

“ _My_ boyfriend,” Zoey began with a pointed look at Leif. “just brought…his…roommate!” Zoey declared, dashing to Leif’s side and elbowing the tall coder in the ribs. “You guys…never going anywhere without…each other…’coder bros’…we call them…round the office…right Joan?”

Joan just closed her eyes, sighing softly. 

“Well, you are both certainly welcome!” Maggie greeted, to her credit not looking at all bothered. “We haven’t had this many people over for the holidays since…well since Zoey was in the Christmas Pageant!”

Joan let out an undignified snort.

“Mom!” Zoey hissed. “You promised no photos!”

“Of course not honey…” Maggie grinned. “I do have our old VCR around here somewhere though…”

Both Joan and Tobin’s faces lit up and they dashed after Maggie before Zoey could say a word. 

“I hate you…” Leif muttered out of the corner of his mouth, still smiling widely.

“Co-lead on the next project if you stuff it for two days…” Zoey replied, through gritted teeth.

Leif rounded on her. “Deal. But if you so much as whisper seductively in his ear…” Leif warned.

“What are you guys whispering about?” Tobin called loudly from the living room. “Come see Zoey dressed like an angel!”

“What a mis-casting…”

“Leif. Zip it.”

* * *

The rest of the day was chaotic. Maggie and Mitch had somehow managed to wrangle everyone out to cut a tree at a nearby farm and Tobin had blown up the farm’s inflatable Santa when he tried to cut down their fake display tree by mistake.

But in the chaos, Zoey had managed to slip her hand into Joan’s without anyone seeing and give her a brief squeeze. 

Dinner hadn’t been much better - with David sharing humiliating stories about Zoey’s many science fairs, Leif glaring at her with barely-restrained rage, and Tobin continuing to insist things like how dating Zoey was ‘the burger sauce on the burger of life’. Whatever the hell that meant. And Joan had been sitting opposite her, picking at her food and shooting Zoey sad looks. 

By the time midnight rolled around and everyone was finally in bed, Zoey couldn’t take it anymore. She texted Joan and slipped out of bed, dashing down the hall in her nightwear to the guest room. 

When she slid inside, she found Joan waiting for her.

“Hey.”

“Hey.” She fiddled with her hands. “I’m sorry for…all this.”

“Zoey…”

“Could I…? Can I…?” She gestured at the bed-covers. Joan rolled them back to reveal herself clothed in only her underwear.

Smiling, Zoey dove into bed.


	4. A Dance of Sugarplums

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> will this story be done before New Year's? 
> 
> Hell no!

The next morning, they awoke from their peaceful doze to a loud banging on the door. 

“Joan?” Came a voice from outside and they exchanged horrified glances as they realized it was Mitch. “Joan, sorry if I woke you. Can I come in?”

“Uhhh…just a minute!” Joan called, already waving for Zoey to hide. 

“Sorry!” Mitch continued. “Just we stored all the good cookware in there before we realized Zoey would be bringing half the office over!”

Joan gestured wildly as Zoey tugged on her underwear and Joan’s bra, throwing a robe on over herself.

Zoey scanned the room. There was no closet and very little crawlspace under the bed. But to Joan’s horror, an almost-nude Zoey dove for the window. 

“ _Zoey_!” Joan hissed as the redhead practically defenestrated herself.

“I got this!” Zoey hissed, clinging on by her fingertips to the freezing windowsill. “used to do this all the…time…!” Her grip slipped and she barely clung on with one hand, her feet tapping on the window below her.

“Zoey! You’re going to kill yourself!” Joan whispered. 

“I’m fine!” She waved her free hand. “Just go! Go head off my dad while I…”

She yelped as the window below her opened and a hand grabbed her flailing legs. 

“I got you Z-money…” Tobin insisted. He glanced up. “Oh, hey Joan.”

Joan, apparently satisfied that Zoey wasn’t going to fall to her death, shut the window and retreated. 

Meanwhile, Zoey was wildly regretting not pulling on any clothes before her daring escape. It was freezing out here. “Tobin!” She gasped as his hands brushed her butt. “Get your hands off of my…”

He recoiled, horrified. “Sorry, sorry!” 

Through much awkward finagling and several elbows to each other’s faces, they managed to wrangle Zoey in through the window and safely onto the floor.

“So uh…” Tobin glanced away, hands behind his back, chest bare. “How’s Joan?”

“Just peachy.” Zoey snapped. “Now while I appreciate the rescue, I think we need to talk about your food analogies…”

“Zoey?” They both froze at her mother’s voice from the hallway. “Is that you?”

Panicking, Zoey grabbed the first item of clothing she touched and threw it on over her underwear just as the door peeked open. 

Maggie gasped, pushing her way into the room. “Zoey Elizabeth Clarke! Were you two sneaking around last night?” 

Zoey glanced at Tobin, relieved that he was at least wearing pajama bottoms. “No…no. I was just…saying good morning!” 

Tobin nodded frantically, forcing a smile. 

Maggie eyed them both, her eyes twinkling. “Uh huh. Breakfast is in half an hour!” Chuckling softly, she threw a wave over her shoulder as she left. 

Zoey sighed as they turned back to each other. “I’m…gonna need that cardigan back…” Tobin said, pointing at the fabric.

No way she was making the journey back to her room in her underwear. “I’ll give it to you later…” She insisted. 

“Yeah but…” he jerked his thumb towards the closet. “Leif’s not gonna like it if you wander off with his things.”

Horrified, Zoey realized that the sweater she was wearing was not in fact a sweater but the horrific Christmas-themed cardigan that Tobin’s boyfriend had been wearing yesterday.

Leif peeked out from behind the closet door, glaring at Zoey and obviously naked. “It’s cashmere. Try not to wrinkle it when you take it off…”

She stripped, throwing the sweater at Leif’s face and sprinted away.

Thankfully, only the cat saw her dash of shame back to her room.

* * *

The rest of the morning was utter hell. 

Zoey hated that she had to spend breakfast with her arm looped through Tobin’s, answering her mom and dad’s knowing smirks with pained smiles. Tobin continued his over-use of food analogies; this time referring to Zoey as the ‘cheese on his cheeseburger’ and the ‘croutons on his salad’. She almost snapped and punched him in the stomach for that one.

Leif continued to sulk, throwing angry glances Zoey’s way and refusing to help decorate cookies or hang ornaments on the tree. Joan was participating but she wasn’t making eye contact with Zoey. 

“Alright gang!” Maggie called as the last batch of cookies came out of the oven. “Go layer up!” She swatted Tobin’s hand away from the cookies.

“Layer up?” Tobin asked. 

Zoey ushered him out of the room. “We go ice skating on Christmas Eve…” She explained, pushing him back towards the room. “And can you stop referring to our relationship in food puns?” She hissed as they fell out of earshot. “I’m the ‘croutons on your salad…’ I’ve never seen you eat a salad!”

“Well, I didn’t know I’d be playing the straight boy!” Tobin insisted as he pushed back into the room. “Give me a little warning next time and I’ll have some better material.”

“There’d better not be a next time.” Leif countered, stalking into the room behind them and slamming the door. “ _I’m_ the only cheese on Tobin’s cheeseburger.” He glared at Zoey as he walked around her. 

Zoey rolled her eyes but stopped as Tobin removed his sweater. “What the hell is that?”

Tobin glanced down. “Oh this? My gay solidarity shirt.” It was a pink tank top with Zoey’s face on it, outlined in what looked suspiciously like Christmas lights. The text underneath read: “ _Make the Yuletide Gay_!”.

“But why are you wearing it?” Zoey demanded. “When did you even have time to make that?”

Tobin shrugged. “This has been on under my sweater since the moment you called me.”

“ _Why_?”

“So I can leap in and support you as soon as you come out!” He leaned closer and grinned. “Leif’s wearing one too…”

“Tobin said I had too…” Leif grumbled, pulling on a jacket.

Tobin waggled his eyebrows. “Daddy likey…” He pinched Leif’s butt, earning him a begrudging smile. 

“Can you two stop being gross for a second?” Zoey demanded. 

“Can you come out so we can end this charade?” Leif shot back. “My stomach is freezing!”

Zoey frowned. “Why would your…?”

“The shirt may be _intentionally_ a hair smaller than a normal one…” Tobin commented, pulling on a thicker sweater. 

Zoey balked. “Oh god…”


	5. Last Christmas I Gave You My Heart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...so this is still a thing?
> 
> Sorry for taking so long?

Zoey had never particularly cared for ice skating. Of all the Clarke family traditions, it was her least favorite. She wasn’t a sports person and was uncoordinated even without a less-traction surface under her feet. But the outdoor hockey rink was busy and had an enormous amount of hiding places and she’d managed to snag Joan into one of them behind a giant inflatable Santa at the edge of the rink. Her skates were still but her chapped lips were getting quite the workout.

“Zoey, I’m getting a lot of mixed signals here…” Joan panted as Zoey finally pulled out of their kiss.

Zoey shook herself, regaining some of her mental faculties and placing her feet back on the ground. “What do you mean?”

“You’re so desperate to not tell your family that you’re pretending to date _Tobin_ …but here we are sneaking around twice in one day…”

“We’re not the only ones…” They glanced over towards the ice where Leif and Tobin were getting into some pretty intense rough-housing while staking. Based on the amount of eye-fucking going on, those two were going to be finding their own hiding spot soon enough. 

“Would it really be so bad if you just…told them the truth?” Joan asked, widening her stance slightly so their heads were closer together.

Zoey bit her lip. “I don’t know.” 

“Well, you wont know until you try…right?” Joan gave her a small supportive smile that made Zoey’s insides hurt. 

“It feels like I’m in too deep now…” She admitted. 

“Well, don’t dig yourself too deep…” Joan murmured, leaning back in. “‘Cause I don’t think I can keep my hands off you much longer…”

Zoey surged forward but abruptly halted at the sound of something popping.

Her skate toe was buried in the inflatable Santa. She barely had time to shot a panicked look at Joan before her feet were yanked violently out from under her, sending Joan toppling.

Zoey skidded across the ice, screaming as the inflatable gushed out air.

“Leif!” She cried as she flew towards him, arms outstretched for a rescue.

But the tall coder just stepped aside and let her continue on her way. 

Zoey couldn’t say she blamed him.

She had traveled the entire length of the rink before she finally managed to extract her skate. And now she was stranded in the middle of an unforgiving sheet of minimal friction. Well, that brought their inflatable Santa kill count up to 2…

“Help…?” She sprawled on the ice in an undignified manner, waiting for Joan or someone else to come to her rescue.

But the hand that eventually helped her up was not one she expected.

“Zoey…?”

She flushed with embarrassment. “Oh…Max…” Great. Out of everyone in the world, it had to be him who picked her up. 

He smiled at her, still all stubble and kind eyes. “Merry Christmas. Long time no see…”

Before Zoey could think of anything to say, everyone rushed to form a circle around them. Zoey was relieved to see that Joan was alright after the tumble. She was less relieved to see her mom’s face light up.

“Max is here!” Maggie exclaimed, skating forward to give the boy a hug. 

“Max…” David greeted, stiff and clearly trying for intimidating. Max just smiled at him.

“Who?” Tobin asked loudly, hand buried in a tub of popcorn.

“Zoey’s high school boyfriend.” Maggie explained, patting Max’s shoulder affectionately. 

Zoey winced as Joan, Leif and Tobin all turned suddenly interested faces on her.

“Max, you must join us for dinner!” Maggie was insisting. 

“Must he?” Joan asked, a hint of bitterness in her voice.

“Absolutely!” Mitch agreed. “The more the merrier! I’m sure he and _Tobin_ will have a lot to talk about!”

The aforementioned coder glanced up. “We will?” Zoey elbowed him, making him spill his popcorn. “Hey! Oh right!” He turned to Max. “So…you used to have intercourse with Zoey too?”

Leif made an odd choking sound. 

Zoey facepalmed, sparing Joan a glance. The older woman shook her head. 

This wasn’t going to end well.

* * *

Christmas Dinner at the Clarke’s was always a work of art. Mitch had taken cooking classes in Italy one summer and had always insisted on a 5-course meal worthy of the cheesiest holiday television commercials. 

But with Max at the table, Zoey hated the meal for the first time in her life. She picked at her turkey, glaring across the table at her ex.

He would not shut up about his latest business venture; something about a restaurant where you could order food from other restaurants. And in their typical fashion, Leif and Tobin had jumped right onboard. 

Catching David’s eye, the siblings exchanged an SOS look. David had never liked Max. Zoey was hoping he’d rustle up some of his high school grievances and save her from this hell. 

“So you’re dating Zoey?” Max finally asked Tobin. He shot Zoey a smirk that rattled her.

Tobin nodded several times, head wobbling. “Oh yes, Zoey is my…my…” He glanced at Zoey as she glared daggers across the table. “The…the…best side-quest in the video game of life…?” 

She almost slammed her head down on the table.

Joan rolled her eyes and downed the rest of her wine. 

“So, David…” Max turned his attention to him next. “How goes that right hook of yours?”

And to Zoey’s horror, her brother, her one ally in this situation, deflated instantly and glanced away.

Mitch chuckled. “That’s hardly fair, bringing that up.” He patted David’s arm, reassuringly. “You were made for fighting with words, kid. Not fists.”

Everyone but the Clarkes glanced around, confused. “What are you talking about?” Leif finally asked.

“Oh, David tried to fight Max when he and Zoey broke up.” Mitch replied, carving another slice off the turkey. 

Emily did a double-take, rounding on her husband. “Really?” 

David shifted uncomfortably. “He hurt my little sister.” He mumbled, sinking down in his seat.

Max took a swig of wine. “Dude, Zoey broke up with me.” He winked at her, that ugly smirk back.

All eyes were suddenly on her.

“You did?” Tobin asked, surprised. “Why, Z-dawg?”

“I…” Zoey squirmed. “I didn’t want to do long distance.” She lied.

Max scoffed. “That wasn’t it…you totally had eyes for that…”

“So this restaurant of yours…” Joan interrupted, before Zoey could launch herself across the table to tackle him silent. “How much capital do you expect to invest for your return?”

“I…capital…?” Max seemed to wither under Joan’s attention and Joan took the opportunity to do what she did best.

“You really can’t expect a derivative business like that to go anywhere without a solid amount of capital. People are still using delivery apps more often than visiting actual restaurants and there’s no indication that that trend is going to fade anytime soon.” She toyed with her empty glass. “So unless you have a lot of backing - which, given that this is the 3rd potential business idea you’ve mentioned tonight, I doubt - or something new and exciting enough that investors flock to you, within a year you’re going to be begging for your old job back with a basement overflowing with useless promotional material.”

The table was silent after Joan’s visceral take-down, everyone staring at her in a mix of embarrassment and awe. Zoey let out a quiet breath, her heart racing. Max knew about her orientation…mainly because he had been present when she’d realized it might be less straight than society dictated ‘normal’. She just hadn’t counted on him being petty enough to try to use it against her. But Joan was here; being her knight and defending her from his cheap revenge shot.

Zoey tried to give Joan a grateful smile but Joan stood and went to refill her wineglass. She didn’t look at Zoey for the rest of dinner.


	6. All I Want For Christmas (is you)

Despite Joan’s words, Max didn’t leave until well after dinner, inserting himself back into the Christmas Eve traditions of chestnut roasting and carol singing. Zoey continued to shoot dirty looks his way every so often. 

At least his presence had meant her parents hadn’t noticed when Leif and Tobin silently snuck away upstairs. Zoey couldn’t blame them. She couldn’t even return Leif’s snarky glare as he pulled Tobin away.

Joan remained for a time but even she eventually slipped away too without even a glance in Zoey’s direction. Zoey doubted they’d be sharing a bed tonight. Or ever. 

Zoey slumped in her chair as Christmas Eve drew deeper around them. 

Everyone she’d brought was miserable because of her. 

Worst Christmas Ever. And she had no one to blame but herself.

* * *

Christmas morning dawned cold and alone. After all the insanity of yesterday and Joan’s disappointed looks at dinner, Zoey hadn’t had the heart to attempt another break-in to the guest room.

But as she ambled downstairs, she bumped into Joan just outside the living room.

“Hi.”

“Hello.”

Zoey sighed, stepping closer. “Joan…look, I…” But Joan backed away, her eyes shooting upwards. 

As Zoey frowned in confusion, David sauntered between them. “Merry Christmas sis! You may wanna watch your step…” He warned Zoey.

“What? Why?”

Now sharing the doorway to the living room with her, David grinned and pointed up. Zoey followed his gaze and angry indignation burned in her stomach. David had hung a whole row of mistletoe across the doorway.

“You know the mistletoe law…” David teased, grinning maniacally at her. “Every time; no exceptions.” He tapped his cheek. “Pucker up, sis.”

Joan gave a soft chuckle and Zoey flushed, thinking just how close they’d been to accidentally outing themselves mere moments ago.

“Come on Zoey!” Mitch called from his seat in the living room. “it’s Christmas and you’re under the mistletoe: give your brother a kiss.”

Rolling her eyes, Zoey leaned in to oblige. 

“I’m going to release all the footage I have of your one-man shows…” Zoey threatened in his ear.

“Joke’s on you Zo,” He returned, smirking, “Emily already found those….”

“No…I’m talking YouTube, TikTok, Instagram….” She seized his collar and hissed directly into his eardrum. “ _Everywhere_ …”

Then she pecked his cheek like a loving sister and stalked away.

“Z-money.” Before she could even pour herself a cup of coffee, Tobin jumped her in the kitchen. “I can fix this. I have a plan.”

“Not now Tobin.” Zoey moaned. “It’s Christmas, let’s just enjoy the day.”

“I can’t enjoy the day when my best bi is suffocating in her personal closet!” Tobin insisted. He glanced away, suddenly sheepish. “Plus Leif wants to cuddle…”

“Leif can wait another day.” Zoey snapped, heading back towards the living room. 

“No he can not.” The tall coder was suddenly in front of her, in yet another horrible Christmas sweater and glaring like she’d murdered Rudolph. “This is our first Christmas as boyfriends and I’m not squandering it for you. So Tobin and I are taking matters into our own hands.”

“What does that…?”

But before she could finish her question, Tobin shoved her forward. Zoey stumbled, finding herself standing under the mistletoe-ladened doorway once again, barely holding on to her coffee. 

Joan, about to cross the same threshold, leapt back as if electrocuted. 

“Ooh, near-miss ladies!” Maggie called, sliding through the doorway. She placed a brief kiss on Zoey’s cheek. “Zoey, why don’t you drag your handsome boyfriend under here?”

Zoey glared at said “boyfriend” but he only gave her a thumbs up and a grin.

The morning continued much in the same light: Zoey would somehow always end up under the mistletoe, usually by Tobin or Leif’s unexpected hand. And Joan would always be a half-step away. She very quickly realized that the boys were doing this on purpose. 

As the first round of gift opening paused for Mitch to start making breakfast, Zoey finally managed to corner Tobin by the bathroom.

“Stop it.”

“Stop what?”

“Your plan.” Zoey spat. “Stop trying to shove Joan and me under the mistletoe!”

“But it’s the perfect plan!” Tobin whined. “And I don’t want all of us gays spending Christmas in hiding! It’s not right!”

“Tobin, look.” Zoey sighed “I’m sorry that you and Leif got dragged into this, really I am. But I just…I’m not ready to tell my family.”

“…okay Z. Sure.” He headed back towards the rest of the gathering. But his flat response sent a pulse of regret through Zoey.

“Tobin…Tobin!” She hissed, jogging to catch up. “You can out yourself you know. There’s nothing stopping you from just outing you and Leif and enjoying your Christmas.”

“Yeah there is.”

She grabbed his arm. “Tobin…I appreciate the cover story but I don’t want everyone to be miserable.” She gestured. “So out yourself, cuddle your…toothpick of a boyfriend.”

“Yeah but then I’d be the guy who broke your heart on Christmas. And as a GBF, that shit is totally un-cool.”

Zoey rolled her eyes. “So…you’re basically saying that my only option is to out myself so you can be out?”

Tobin shook his head. “Hey Z-girl, it’s your choice when you do it. But as your friend, I want you to know that you have an awesome family. They are kind, supportive, and just the right amount of embarrassing. And they love you like crazy.” He shrugged. “So why not?”

“Oooh! Zoey!”

Startled, Zoey glanced up and found every eye in the living room fixated on them. Maggie was smirking. 

“What?”

Her mother just pointed above their heads.

In their arguing, they’d wandered into the doorway without realizing it. Twelve unforgiving sprigs of green and red dangled above them.

“Did it finally happen?” Mitch called, wandering back in in his apron. His face lit up upon seeing Zoey and Tobin. “Yes! Pucker up you two!”

Tobin and Zoey exchanged a horrified glance. Leif’s eyes bulged. He rose, giving Zoey a stare that would have shattered glass.

“Go on!” David urged, an evil grin on his face. “Mistletoe law!”

Grimacing, Zoey turned to Tobin. He was apologetic but seemed to accept that if necessary, this was going to happen. And in that moment, as the resignation that yes, she was actually considering _kissing_ _Tobin_ crossed her mind, something in her broke. She glanced to her partner. 

Joan looked away, seeming so small and so distraught. And Zoey hated herself. She hated everything she had done, thought, and said since the moment she’d arrived. She hated herself for dragging Joan through this, for not just stepping up and _fucking_ …!

“Stop!” Zoey shouted, hands coming up to push back against Tobin’s face as he leaned in. “I can’t do this. I can’t keep lying about who I am and pretending and actually considering kissing _Tobin_ just to keep up a ruse.”

“Honey, what’s gotten into you…?” Maggie asked, standing. Tobin began edging out from under the doorway, shuffling back into the living room.

“I’m bisexual!” Zoey cried. She gestured. “Tobin’s not my boyfriend…and I…I’m in love with Joan.”

Joan finally looked at her, _really_ looked at her. And even with the horrible silence, Zoey felt a little less alone with the proud smile on her partner’s face. 

“Yes, Zoey!” Tobin ripped his sweater off, proudly showing off his pride shirt. With a click of a hidden button, the lights flared to life. Everyone blinked at the blinking rainbow lights for a moment. To his credit, Tobin didn’t seem bothered.

He nudged Leif. “Dude…do the thing…”

Rolling his eyes, Leif lifted his sweater just enough that his own shirt was visible. To Zoey’s horror, it was indeed just a little too short, showing off the lean coder’s navel. She looked away before her eyes burned.

But while her friends were supportive, her family was still silent. 

Maggie was frowning deeply. David and Emily were staring with wide eyes. Mitch had lowered his face. He was shaking unnervingly, as if sobbing. It broke Zoey’s heart but she was in too deep now. She plowed on.

“I’m in love with Joan and I don’t care what you think! I love her and I want to be with her for forever. And if you can’t accept that…I…” She pulled herself back up, throwing her shoulders back. “I don’t want to lose you…but I wont keep pretending to be something I'm not.”

Joan, suddenly finding herself very tearful, joined her under the mistletoe and slid her hand into Zoey’s. She gave her a reassuring squeeze.

The silence dragged for a long time. Mitch was still shaking, face hidden in his hand.

“Oh Zoey…” Maggie crossed the room and placed a hand on her shoulder. “You got it all out of your system?”

Mitch finally stopped shaking, an enormous laugh bursting from him. He doubled over and heaved, laughing so hard it looked like he was crying.

The sound broke the spell and Zoey noticed David and Emily grinning, both of them stifling laughs as well. Zoey turned back to her mother and saw the twinkle in her eyes.

“You…knew.” Zoey realized. Joan let out a quiet gasp.

“Oh honey.” Maggie joined in Mitch’s laughter. “Of course we knew! You aren’t exactly a good liar.”

Zoey, Joan, and the boys stared around the room, all of them mildly confused by the turn of events.

“So why did you…?”

Mitch and Maggie finally stopped laughing long enough to answer. “Why did we go along with your lies about bringing Joan and dating Tobin and all the rest?” They exchanged a glance. “We didn’t want to force you to tell us if you weren’t ready.”

“And we wanted to see just how far you’d take it.” Mitch chimed in. He guffawed. “I can’t believe you _actually_ jumped out of the window!”

"I can't believe that you actually sat through dinner with Max!" Maggie chuckled. "And Joan, thanks for not letting him spoil Zoey's big moment."

Joan blinked, a soft, surprised smile on her face.

Zoey flushed, lips pressed tight together. The laughter continued for several minutes more as her family had a good laugh at everything she’d done since arriving. Leif was even joining in, clearly enjoying Zoey’s misery at being the butt of the joke.

“Anything else we should know?” Maggie asked, smirking.

Joan gestured behind her. “These two idiots have been waiting to make out all day.”

“Damn straight…” Leif grumbled. He seized Tobin’s face and kissed him deeply, practically bending the other man over backwards.

“Nah dude…” Tobin grinned, looking dazed. He fist-bumped Zoey. “Damn gay!”

“Now Zoey and Joan.” Mitch declared, raising his eyebrows at them. “I do believe you are currently under the jurisdiction of mistletoe law…please do the thing you’ve obviously been wanting to do since the moment you arrived?”

Joan slid her arm around Zoey’s shoulders and placed a gentle kiss on her temple. The simple action finally broke the dam and Zoey turned into the embrace, crying with relief. She pressed up to give Joan a proper kiss, flipping off David when he whooped in appreciation. 

Thankfully, everyone graciously ignored her emotional reaction and things returned to normal as Mitch brought out the tray of Christmas waffles and Tobin demonstrated his infamous quadruple-waffle sandwich.

Zoey spent the rest of the day wrapped up next to Joan, loving that every moment of this Christmas Day could be spent surrounded by everyone she loved (plus Leif) without any fear or misery.

She snuggled closer to Joan and smiled up at her partner. Joan beamed back, placing another kiss on Zoey’s forehead. 

“I’m sorry.”

“You did the right thing. That’s all that matters. I’m so proud of you…” Joan murmured. 

Zoey glowed. It was the best Christmas she’d ever had.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> did you really think I wasn't gonna go sappy?
> 
> Happy *very* belated holidays!


End file.
